The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bib Ballads

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Bib Ballads

Author: Ring Lardner

Illustrator: Fontaine Fox

Release date: July 3, 2008 [eBook #25961]

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/25961

Credits: Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at

http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images

generously made available by The Internet Archive/American

Libraries.)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BIB BALLADS ***

BIB BALLADS

BY

RING W. LARDNER

ILLUSTRATED BY

FONTAINE FOX

Published by

P. F. VOLLAND & CO.

NEW YORK CHICAGO TORONTO

Copyright 1915

P. F. Volland & Co.

Chicago, U. S. A.

(All Rights Reserved)

CONTENTS

GOOD-BY BILL

A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM

AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE

DISCIPLINE

INEXPENSIVE GUESTS

HIS SENSE OF HUMOR

SPEECH ECONOMY

WELCOME TO SPRING

TASTE

RIDDLES

HESITATION

HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS

COUSINLY AFFECTION

MY BABY'S GARDEN

DECISION REVERSED

THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR

COMING HOME

HIS IMAGINATION

HIS MEMORY

CONFESSION

HIS LADY FRIEND

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

THE ETERNAL GREETING

GUESS AGAIN

NEARLY A SINECURE

THE HECKUSES

HIS FAVORITE ROLE

THE PATHS OF RASHNESS

THE NEW PLAYTHING

FOREWORD

Dear Parents:—Don't imagine, please,

It's in a boastful spirit

I fashion verses such as these;

That's not the truth or near it.

A hundred or a thousand, yes,

A million kids there may be

Who aren't one iota less

Attractive than this baby.

I'll venture that your household has

As valuable a treasure

As mine, but mine I know, and as

For yours, I've not that pleasure.

And that is why my book's about

Just one, O Dads and Mothers;

But babes are babes, and mine, no doubt,

Is very much like others.

THE AUTHOR

BIB BALLADS

GOOD-BY BILL

Dollar Bill, that I've held so tight

Ever since payday, a week ago,

Shall I purchase with you tonight

A pair of seats at the vaudeville show?

(Hark! A voice from the easy chair:

"Look at his shoes! We must buy a pair.")

Dollar Bill, from the wreckage saved,

Tell me, how shall I squander you?

Shall I be shined, shampooed and shaved,

Singed and trimmed 'round the edges, too?

(Hark! A voice from the easy chair:

"He hasn't a romper that's fit to wear.")

Dollar Bill, that I cherished so,

Think of the cigarettes you'd buy,

Turkish ones, with a kick, you know;

Makin's eventually tire a guy.

(Hark! A voice from the easy chair:

"Look at those stockings! Just one big tear!")

Dollar Bill, it is time to part.

What do I care for a vaudeville show?

I'll shave myself and look just as smart.

Makin's aren't so bad, you know.

Dollar Bill, we must say good-by;

There on the floor is the Reason Why.

A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM

There's been a young stranger at our house,

A baby whom nobody knew;

Who hated his brother, his father, his mother,

And made them aware of it, too.

He stayed with us nearly a fortnight

And carried a grouch all the while,

Nor promise nor present could make him look pleasant;

He hadn't the power to smile.

He cried when he couldn't have something;

He cried just as hard when he could;

Kind words by the earful but made him more tearful,

And scoldings did just as much good.

He stormed when his meals weren't ready,

And when they were ready, he screamed.

He went to bed growling, got up again howling

And quarreled and snarled as he dreamed.

He's gone, and the child we are fond of

Is back, just as nice as of old.

But I hope to be in some port European

The next time he has a bad cold.

AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE

My son, I wish that it were half

As easy to extract a laugh

From grown-ups as from thee.

Then I'd go on the stage, my boy,

While Richard Carle and Eddie Foy

Burned up with jealousy.

I wouldn't have to rack my brain

Or lie awake all night in vain

Pursuit of brand new jokes;

Nor fear my lines were heard with groans

Of pain and sympathetic moans

From sympathetic folks.

I'd merely have to make a face,

Just twist a feature out of place,

And be the soul of wit;

Or bark, and then pretend to bite,

And, from the screams of wild delight,

Be sure I'd made a hit.

DISCIPLINE

He couldn't have a doughnut, and it made him very mad;

He undertook to get revenge by screaming at his dad.

"Cut out that noise!" I ordered, and he gave another roar,

And so I put him in "the room" and shut and locked the door.

I left him in his prison cell two minutes, just about,

And, penitent, he smiled at me when I did let him out.

But when he got another look at the forbidden fruit

He gave a yell that they could hear in Jacksonville or Butte.

"Cut out that noise!" I barked again. "Cut out that foghorn stuff!

Perhaps I didn't leave you in your prison long enough.

"You want your dad to keep you jailed all afternoon, I guess."

He smiled at me and answered his equivalent for "yes."

INEXPENSIVE GUESTS

I wonder how 'twould make you feel,

My fellow food providers,

To have as guests at ev'ry meal

Three—count 'em, three—outsiders.

Well, that's the case with me, but still

I don't complain or holler,

For, strange to say, the groc'ry bill

Has not gone up a dollar.

These guests of ours, to make it brief,

Can't really chew or swallow;

They're merely dolls, called Indian Chief,

And Funny Man, and Rollo.

HIS SENSE OF HUMOR

Perhaps in some respects it's true

That you resemble dad;

To be informed I look like you

Would never make me mad.

But one thing I am sure of, son,

You have a different line

Of humor, your idea of fun

Is not a bit like mine.

You drop my slippers in the sink

And leave them there to soak.

That's very laughable, you think

But I can't see the joke

You take my hat outdoors with you

And fill it full of earth;

You seem to think that's witty, too,

But I'm not moved to mirth.

You open up the chicken-yard;

Its inmates run a mile;

You giggle, but I find it hard

To force one-half a smile.

No, kid, I fear your funny stuff,

Though funny it may be,

Is not quite delicate enough

To make a hit with me.

SPEECH ECONOMY

Since he began to talk and sing,

I've learned one interesting thing—

The value of a verb is small;

In fact, it has no worth at all.

Why waste the breath required to say,

"While toddling through the park today,

I saw a bird up in a tree,"

When "Twee, pahk, birt," does splendidly?

Why should one say, "Please pass the bread,"

When "Ba-ba me" is easier said?

And why "I'm starved. Have supper quick,"

When "LUNCH!" yelled loudly, does the trick?

Why "I've been riding on a train,"

When "By-by, Choo-choo" makes it plain?

"Let words be few," the poet saith,

So leave out words and save your breath.

WELCOME TO SPRING

Spring, you are welcome, for you are the friend of

Fathers of all little girlies and chaps.

Spring, you are welcome, for you mean the end of

Bundling them up in their cold-weather wraps.

Breathes there a parent of masculine gender,

One whose young hopeful is seven or less,

Who never has cursed the designer and vender

Of juvenile-out-of-doors-winter-time dress?

Leggings and overcoat, rubbers that squeeze on,

Mittens and sweater a trifle too small;

Not in the lot is one thing you can ease on,

One that's affixed with no trouble at all.

Spring, you are welcome, thrice welcome to father;

Not for your flowers and birds, I'm afraid,

As much as your promised relief from the bother

Of bundling the kid for the daily parade.

TASTE

I can't understand why you pass up the toys

That Santa considered just right for small boys;

I can't understand why you turn up your nose

At dogs, hobby-horses, and treasures like those,

And play a whole hour, sometimes longer than that,

With a thing as prosaic as daddy's old hat.

The tables and shelves have been loaded for you

With volumes of pictures—they're pretty ones, too—

Of birds, beasts, and fishes, and old Mother Goose

Repines in a corner and feels like the deuce,

While you, on the floor, quite contentedly look

At page after page of the telephone book.

RIDDLES

If it's fun to take books from the bookcase,

If you really believe it's worth while

To carry them out to the kitchen

And build them all up in a pile,

Why isn't it just as agreeable then

To carry them back to the bookcase again?

If it's fun to make marks with a pencil

In books that one cares for a heap;

To tear out the pages from volumes

One likes and is anxious to keep,

Why isn't it pleasure to put on the hummer

A magazine read and discarded last summer?

HESITATION

I've orders to waken you from your nap,

And orders are orders, my little chap.

But I hate to do it, because it seems

A shame to break in on your blissful dreams.

I've sat and watched you a long, long while,

And not since I came have you ceased to smile.

So it strikes me as wrong to arouse you, boy,

From sleep that's so plainly a sleep of joy.

'Twill make a big diff'rence tonight, of course,

But p'rhaps you are riding a real live horse;

In dreams, it's a pleasant and harmless sport,

So why should I cruelly cut it short?

Maybe you have for your very own

A piece of pie or an ice cream cone;

If that's your amusement, why end it quick?

Dream-food can't possibly make you sick.

Orders are orders and I'm afraid

It's trouble for me if they're disobeyed.

But I'll bet if the boss could see you, son,

She'd put off the duty, as I have done.

HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS

When I see his wonderful choo-choo trains,

Which he daily builds with infinite pains,

Whose cars are a crazy and curious lot—

A doll, a picture, a pepper pot,

A hat, a pillow, a horse, a book,

A pote, a mintie, a button hook,

A bag of tobacco, a piece of string,

A pair of wubbas, a bodkin ring,

A deck of twos and a paper box,

A brush, a comb and a lot of blocks—

When I first gaze on his wonderful trains,

Which he daily builds with infinite pains,

I laugh, and I think to myself, "O gee!

Was ever a child as cute as he?"

But when he's gone to his cozy nest,

From the toil of his strenuous day to rest,

And when I gaze on his trains once more,

Where they lie, abandoned, across the floor,

And when the terrible task I face

Of putting each "Pullman" back in its place,

I groan a little, and think, "O gee!

Was ever a child as mean as he?"

GLOSSARY

Bodkin—A napkin

Mintie—A mitten.

Pote—A pencil.

Twos—Cards.

COUSINLY AFFECTION

Why do you love your Cousin Paull?

For his sweet face, his smile, and all

The little tricks that charm us so?

You're not quite old enough to know

How cute he is; to realize

How clever for a child his size.

I'm sure you can't appreciate

The things that make us think him great.

And yet you love your Cousin Paull.

Is it because he's twice as small

As you, just right for you to maul?

Because he won't fight back, or bawl?

Because when he is pushed he'll fall?

And, where most kids would howl and squall,

He takes it, nor puts in a call

For mother? Am I warm at all?

Is this why you love Cousin Paull?

MY BABY'S GARDEN

My baby has a garden,

"Planted" four days ago,

And nearly half his waking hours

He spends among his precious flowers

With sprinkling can and hoe.

My baby has a garden,

And Oh, how proud he is

When, yielding to his pleading, we

Lay work aside and go to see

This masterpiece of his!

Behold my baby's garden,

Close by a rubbish pile!

Look at the sprinkling can and hoe

And flowers; then tell me if you know

Whether to sigh or smile.

The flowers in baby's garden,

Flat on the ground they lie,

Two hyacinths, a withered pair,

Plucked from the pile of rubbish, where

They had been left to die.

The flowers in baby's garden,

"Planted" four days ago,

Grow every hour a sadder sight,

Weaker and sicklier, in spite

Of sprinkling can and hoe.

DECISION REVERSED

When I mixed with the shoppers and fought in vain

To get what I sought, in the Christmas rush;

When they stood on my toes in the crowded train,

Or dented my ribs in the sidewalk crush,

I dropped my manners and snarled and swore,

And thought: "It's a bothersome, beastly bore!"

But when, at the Christmas dawn, they brought

My kid to the room where his things were piled,

And when, from my vantage point, I caught

The look on his face, I murmured: "Child,

Your dad was a fool when he snarled and swore,

And called it a bothersome, beastly bore."

THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR

He was weary of all of his usual joys;

His books and his blocks made him tired,

And so did his games and mechanical toys,

And the songs he had always admired;

So I told him a story, a story so new

It had never been heard anywhere;

A tale disconnected, unlikely, untrue,

Called The Grocery Man and the Bear.

I didn't think much of the story despite

The fact 'twas a child of my brain.

And I never dreamt, when I told it that night,

That I'd have to tell it again;

I never imagined 'twould make such a hit

With the audience of one that was there

That for hours at a time he would quietly sit

Through The Grocery Man and the Bear.

To all other stories, this one is preferred;

It's the season's best seller by far,

And out at our house it's as frequently heard

As cuss-words in Mexico are.

When choo-choos and horses and picture books fail,

He'll remain, quite content, in his chair,

While I tell o'er and o'er the incredible tale

Of The Grocery Man and the Bear.

COMING HOME

Prepare for noise, you quiet walls!

You floors, get set for heavy falls!

Frail dishes, hide away!

Get ready for some scratches, stairs!

Clean table linen, say your prayers!

The kid comes home today!

For three long weeks you've been, O House,

As noiseless as the well-known mouse,

As silent as the tomb.

And you've stayed neat, with none on hand

To track your floors with mud and sand,

To muss your ev'ry room.

The ideal place for work you've been,

But soon a Bedlam once again,

A mess, a wreck. But say,

I wonder will it make us mad.

No, House, I'll bet we both are glad

The kid comes home today.

HIS IMAGINATION

One thing that's yours, my little child

Your poor old dad is simply wild

To own. It's not a book or toy;

It's your imagination, boy.

If I possessed it, what a time

I'd have, nor need to spend a dime!

I wish that I could get astride

A broom, and have a horse to ride;

Or climb into the swing, and be

A sailor on the deep blue sea,

Or b'lieve a chair a choo-choo train,

Bound anywhere and back again.

If I could ride as fast and far

On ship or horse, in train or car,

As you, at small expense or none,

If I could have one-half your fun

And do the things that you do, free,

I'd give them back my salary.

HIS MEMORY

Besides my little son's imagination,

Another thing he has appeals to me

And agitates my envious admiration—

It's his accommodating memory.

An instant after some unlucky stumble

Has floored him and induced a howl of pain,

He's clean forgotten all about his tumble

And violently sets out to romp again.

But if, when I leave home, I say that maybe

I'll get him something nice while I'm away,

It's very safe to bet that Mr. Baby

Will not forget, though I be gone all day.

Ah, would I might lose sight of things unpleasant:

The bills I owe; the work I haven't done.

And only think of future joys and present,

Like the approaching payday, and my son.

CONFESSION

A sleuth like Pinkerton or Burns

Is told that there has been a crime.

He runs down clues and leads, and learns

Who did the deed, in course of time.

It's just the other way with me:

The first thing I am sure of is

The criminal's identity,

And then I learn what crime was his.

When Son comes up with hanging head

And smiles a certain kind of smile,

When he's affectionate instead

Of playful; when he stalls awhile

And starts to speak and stops again,

Or, squirming like a mouse that's caught,

Asserts, "I am a GOOD boy," then

I look to see what harm's been wrought.

HIS LADY FRIEND

Who is Sylvia? What is she

That early every morning

You desert your family

And rush to see her, scorning

Your once cherished ma and me?

Are her playthings such a treat?

I will steal 'em from her;

Better that than not to meet

My son and heir all summer,

Save when he comes home to eat.

Or is she herself the one

And only real attraction?

Has your little heart begun

To get that sort of action?

Better wait a few years, son.

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

"MYSELF!" It means that you don't care

To have me lift you in your chair;

That if I do, you'll rage and tear.

"MYSELF!" It means you don't require

Assistance from your willing sire

In eating; 'twill but rouse your ire.

"MYSELF!" It means when you are through

That you don't want your daddy to

Unseat you, as he used to do.

Time was, and not so long ago,

When you were carried to and fro

And waited on, but now? No! No!

You'd rather fall and break your head,

Or fill your lap with cream and bread

Than be helped up or down, or fed.

Well, kid, I hope you'll stay that way

And that there'll never come a day

When you're without the strength to say,

"MYSELF!"

THE ETERNAL GREETING

What is the welcoming word I hear

When I reach home at the close of day?

"Glad you are with us, daddy, dear?"

Something I'd like to hear you say?

No, it is this, invariably:

"Daddy, what have you got for me?"

"Deep affection," I might reply;

What would it profit if I did?

I might answer: "The price to buy

Clothes and edibles for you, kid."

You would repeat, insistently:

"Daddy, what have you got for me?"

Isn't my Self enough for you?

Doesn't my Presence satisfy?

No, that spelling would never do;

You want Presents, a new supply,

When you inquire so eagerly:

"Daddy, what have you got for me?"

'Twould be much nicer and cheaper, son,

If I were welcome without a toy,

But as I'm not, I must purchase one

And take my reward from your look of joy

When you open the bundle and cry: "O, see!

See what daddy has got for me!"

GUESS AGAIN

"I guess I'll help you, daddy."

And daddy can't say "No;"

For if he did, 'twould wound you, kid,

And cause the tears to flow.

"I guess I'll help you, daddy."

And daddy says: "All right,"

And tries to do, ignoring you,

Whatever work's in sight.

But what's the use of trying?

As well be reconciled

To quit and play the game that may

Be pleasing to you, child.

To quit and play, or roughhouse,

Or read, as you elect;

For I'm afraid the guess you made

Was wholly incorrect.

NEARLY A SINECURE

"I'm going to the office."

So says my youngster, and

Gets on the train to take him there

(The train's the sofa or a chair,

Whichever's near at hand.)

"Now I am to the office.

I'm working now," says he,

And just continues standing there

On that same lounge or that same chair,

As idle as can be.

Perhaps four seconds after

He first got on his train,

I see him getting off once more.

He steps or falls onto the floor

And says, "I'm home again."

I don't know what they pay him,

Nor where the office is.

The nature of the boy's posish

I've never learned—but how I wish

I had that job of his!

THE HECKUSES

That may not be the proper way

To spell their name; I cannot say.

I've never seen 'em written out:

I've only heard 'em talked about.

They're coming here tonight to dine,

So says that little son of mine.

But all last week, 'twas just the same;

They were to come, and never came.

And I'm just skeptical enough

To think they're all a myth, a bluff;

Mere creatures of my youngster's brain,

Whose coming he'll await in vain.

And yet to him they're very real.

They own a big black auto'bile.

They work downtown, and they'll arrive

Out here at one-two-three-four-five.

The Heckuses are four all told.

There's Mrs. H. who's very old,

And Baby Heckus, and a lad

Named Tom, and Bill, the Heckus dad.

Beyond this point I can't describe

The fascinating Heckus tribe.

I can but wonder how he came

To think of such a lovely name.

HIS FAVORITE ROLE

You could be president as well as not,

Since all you'd have to do is think you were,

With that imagination that you've got;

Or multimillionaire if you prefer,

Or you could be some famous football star,

Or Tyrus Cobb, admired by ev'ry fan;

Instead of that, you tell me that you are

The Garbage Man.

Why pick him out, when you can take your choice?

Is his so charming, nice, and sweet a role

That acting it should make you to rejoice

And be a source of comfort to your soul?

Is there some hidden happiness that he

Uncovers in his march from can to can

That you above all else should want to be

The Garbage Man?

THE PATHS OF RASHNESS

Up to the sky the birdman flew

And looped some loops that were bold and new.

The people marvelled at nerve so great

And gasped or cheered as he tempted fate,

More daring each day than the day before,

Till the birdman fell and arose no more.

The bandit bragged of his daylight crimes

And said: "I'm the wonder of modern times."

Bolder and bolder his thefts became,

And the people shook when they heard his name.

He boasted: "I'm one that they'll never get."

But he jollied himself into Joliet.

Well, son, I suppose you would be admired

For the valorous habit that you've acquired

Of rushing at each little girl you meet

And hugging her tight in the public street.

But the day will come, I have not a doubt,

When you'll stagger home with an eye scratched out.

THE NEW PLAYTHING

I wonder what your thought will be

And what you'll say and do, sir,

When you come home again and see

What Daddy's got for you, sir.

I wonder if you'll like it, boy,

Or turn away disgusted

(You've often scorned a nice, new toy

For one that's old and busted.)

I wonder if you'll laugh, or cry

And run in fright to mother,

Or just act bored to death, when I

Show you your brand new brother.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BIB BALLADS ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG™ LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg electronic works provided that:

- • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

- • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

- • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

- • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg

Project Gutenberg is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 41 Watchung Plaza #516, Montclair NJ 07042, USA, +1 (862) 621-9288. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Table of Contents

BIB BALLADS

RING W. LARDNER

ILLUSTRATED BY

FONTAINE FOX

CONTENTS

FOREWORD

BIB BALLADS

GOOD-BY BILL

A VISIT FROM YOUNG GLOOM

AN APPRECIATIVE AUDIENCE

DISCIPLINE

INEXPENSIVE GUESTS

HIS SENSE OF HUMOR

SPEECH ECONOMY

WELCOME TO SPRING

TASTE

RIDDLES

HESITATION

HIS WONDERFUL CHOO-CHOOS

COUSINLY AFFECTION

MY BABY'S GARDEN

DECISION REVERSED

THE GROCERY MAN AND THE BEAR

COMING HOME

HIS IMAGINATION

HIS MEMORY

CONFESSION

HIS LADY FRIEND

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

THE ETERNAL GREETING

GUESS AGAIN

NEARLY A SINECURE

THE HECKUSES

HIS FAVORITE ROLE

THE PATHS OF RASHNESS

THE NEW PLAYTHING

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG™ LICENSE